Saturday, November 3, 2012
Random thought (may have published this already)
Random Thoughts:
So this weekend I went white Water Rafting. May I say it was so fun and relaxing, it helped me get my
mind focused for the next week. While we were rolling down the river, I noticed a beautiful waterfall off
to the side. I said to the group that would be a nice place to propose to someone at. I mean the media
makes it seem like proposals are what every little girl dreams about from birth. I am sorry to say, my
dream from birth was to be a researcher and have my own place. As I get older, I can see why it would
be nice to have a man or my significant other take the time and propose somewhere nice and make
it heartfelt. I digress, two of the men I was with loudly said that was too much. I asked why and their
response was sub-par with statements such as “She better be happy that I brought a ring” or “What if it
was Detroit under the Robocop statue?” My first thought was and you wonder why you are single. My
next thought is why not make a nice gesture of asking for a “Lifetime commitment”. I feel men seem
to hate all idea of weddings, engagements, and marriage but love the idea of companionship. I cannot
speak for most women but the idea of committing to one person for life is a big deal, it’s like buying a
house, having a kid, donating a kidney. I think if you decide that the person you are with is someone you
want to spend 5 years-infinite with than why not a nice proposal. I am NOT SAYING spend hundreds, or
thousands of dollars. I am saying a little thought and effort. Here are a few ideas:
Scenerio #1: Propose to her on top of hill. My two good friends went to a local hill in Baltimore. They sat
on the benches overlooking parts of the harbor and did an outdoor bible study. She remembers that he
kept reading scriptures about love, marriage and finding the right woman. He proposed to her on the
hill, which is also the hill that they meet.
Now was that expensive? No. Was it meaningful? Yes.
Scenerio #2: Another friend husband slipped the engagement ring on her finger while she slept.
Was it Creepy? Yes but He knew that he wanted to be with her.
I don’t have too many other incidents like that but I think a simple proposal that is heartfelt and genuine
is super awesome versus the traditional restaurant and dinner. Everyone does that put a little effort into
it that all I think. Maybe I ask for too much. I rather ask for the Universe and get the world than ask for
little and get nothing.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Getting back to Me... Again.
Getting back to my old self:
Last year I did something amazing I worked out and saw
results. I loved how my body was transforming and tried to keep it up well. A
year later and I put back the weight and I am so disappointed. I wish I could
say it was overeating, under eating, stress stop working out. It is a
combination of stuff. So 2012 I have been doing my best to lose the weight and
watch how I eat. I realized a few things
and I tried to tackle them.
1.
I let people talk me out of my mostly fruit and
veggie diet. I don’t know how but I am
happiest when I eat 65% of Fruit and veggies not meat. My body feels cleaner
and healthier. I feel happier.
2.
The demands on life and work got bigger. I tried
to avoid junk and fast food but I had to work late, stay up late, never had
time to focus on me.
3.
My family doesn’t get or want to understand
sharing a refrigerator. I love my family but there is never real room for me to
put food I like in the fridge, no salads, no cucumbers, no fresh fruit.
4.
It doesn’t help trying to lose or maintain
weight when you don’t have people who support you. No offense to my friends but only some of
them will say hey you picked up weight or go running to the gym/ outside with
me. Not only that most people don’t eat
healthy or think you are a freak when you only want veggies.
5.
I am lazy and none of the above matter. Look I worked out hard to keep a man that
didn’t love me. I worked out hard to keep my mind of the failures in my life.
Once things stated to get better. I found someone that made me smile like a
Cheshire cat I got lazy and my workouts got soft.
So how do I get back on track? Well I can thank Apple Apps,
Nike and all the fitness and diet apps. Well first I forced myself to make a
decision do I want to go down the traditional path of being overweight before 30
and not able to run or fit my clothes. Do I want to be happy with my body? Well I decide to commit to tracking my food
and working out. By tracking my food I
identify some of my poor habits. Working
out is easy cause I like it but it about making it work for me.
The past month I worked out at least 5 times a week. Either
weight training, cardio or both someday were better than others. I also start
to use the Lose it App to track my eating. Most of my calories came from coffee
and snacking. I notice I didn’t have a lot of vegetables or fiber in my diet
that made me realize I was setting up the perfect mess for diabetes, heart
disease and being overweight. I started
running/ walking long distance on weekends. This actually helps me get in touch
with my spiritual side and relaxed me greatly.
So September I really didn’t lose weight but I think I am
off to a good start. I am going to add apples and bananas back to my diet for
breakfast and snacks. I am going to
attempt to use the Special K diet for two weeks. Ate least it help me see what
works better for me. I am dropping my coffee addiction to once a week if I can
stay on task. No matter what I am adding
an extra 30 mins of exercise at the end of the day even after the work out.
*sidenote the Cranberry Walnut Protein Meal bar is horrible
to me. I will say this I can’t eat the whole bar so I ate ½ for breakfast and ½
for my morning snack. It worked I guess,
I wasn’t that hungry for lunch and a cup of coffee.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Dreams
So I have been having crazy Dreams again. The first Dream that was a few weeks ago was I went to a wedding of a friend and it was a korean wedding. Well the two friends did not get married but my ex and his current girlfriend was there. The first couple didn't get married but my ex and his current girlfriend got married and I was trying to help them have a nice wedding. So I am running around looking for things. The weeding is moved outside. My aunt is officiating the wedding. So i go for a walk and it starts to rain outside. This mutual friend I know comes driving in an old school lexus with a uhaul attached to it and I get in. He tells me I have to make a decession.
The 2nd Dream fromt dream last night and involved my friend's sister. So i was at her baby shower and her family was thier. Well my-ex was marrying her ssister and it was his baby. I am sitting there like What in the world. Rashidah was trying her best to keep it civil and told me well thats how love goes. I was cool until he said. I am so glad it you and not her and looked me in the face and everyone looked at me. I was livid. The next thing I know two of her friends got in my face and was cussing me out and telling I wasn't shit. I was angry. so I left and you told me not to come why didn't i listen. Your older sister Ishea and taherea started asking why did i come. I was at a lost for word. I have no idea what was going on. I think it came from the tilipia salad I ate maybe.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
AGAIN THIS IS NOT ORGINAL WORK FROM ME! I am sorry had the caps lock on. I found this online 2 years ago, when trying to break bad habits of the on again-off again relationship. I am unsure if its still available on line but I have the author and site present. *I would also like to add we will not Instgram pictures of our Body for the world to see in skimpy attire, non-fitting attire or anything that reveals parts that should only be seen in the bedroom. *Queue Raheem DeVaughn song "Bedroom"-- Cheesy Exit"
"We Will Quit Sexting": 25 Dating and Love Resolutions for the Ladies in 2011
If this year is going to be different in the love department, ditch those bad relationship habits and inherit some better ones, starting today.
- Carrie Seim, BettyConfidential.com
A new year has just begun, and it’s time for clean slates and fresh starts – in our lives and in our hearts. There’s no better time than now to sit down with a blank piece of paper, an open mind and the determination to rock our love lives in 2011.
To get you started, raise your glass and toast to following BettyConfidential's 25 New Year's relationship resolutions:
1. We will not call, text or Facebook him twice in a row. No matter how desperate we are to hear from him. (Remember that little word, desperate.)
2. We’ll give Mr. Nice Guy a chance. And give Mr. Bad Boy the boot.
3. We’ll teach Nice Guy a few of Bad Boy’s bedroom moves.
4. We will not shave our legs before a first date. (We’ve finally learned not to trust ourselves to make him earn it; we need a little insurance policy.)
5. We will get friskier with our boyfriends/husbands; occasionally even in a public place (or on a public mode of transportation).
6. We won’t abandon the rest of our lives (including friends and family) just because we’ve met someone new.
7. When he sends us a one-sentence email, we will not respond with 10 paragraphs, two YouTube videos and three photo attachments. From here on, he gets fewer syllables than he sent.
8. We will smile at handsome strangers on a daily basis.
9. We will list d-bag dates in our iPhones by their character flaws. We’ll never again accept calls from “Only Dials Me When He’s Drunk Dan,” “Still-Married Marcus” or “Broke My Heart Twice Ted.”
10. We will stop telling ourselves we are too old, too plump, too skinny, too busy, too boring or too short for love. Self-love begets other-love.
11. We will quit sexting cold turkey.
12. We will make a habit of slapping on some lipstick and a smile before we walk out the door. Mr. Right could be waiting on the elevator. (Of course, if he’s truly Mr. Right, he’ll love you with plain old Chapstick – but that smile is crucial!)
13. We’ll invest less in thinking about wedding dresses and invest more in our retirement accounts.
14. We will not “friend” a guy we just started dating on Facebook. Nor will we prompt him to change his relationship status. We will remember that real life is better than virtual life.
15. We will stop kissing frogs who don’t turn into princes. And vice versa.
16. We’ll learn to trust our intuition more – and take our friends’ and families’ criticisms and/or dating advice with a healthy grain of salt.
17. We will get out of our comfort zone and be open to trying new ways to meet men.
18. We will give anyone who cheats on us the Jesse James treatment. (Thanks, Sandra!)
19. We won’t be afraid to define the relationship before we sleep with him.
20. We will throw out all of our silly dating “deal breakers” involving height, eye color, fashion sense and nose hair.
21. We will write new dating must-haves that include kindness, honesty, love and partnership.
22. We will take a breath before we start a fight with our significant other about something that won’t matter tomorrow morning.
23. We will remember why we fell in love with our significant other to begin with – and tell them often.
24. We’ll use our backbones more often than our wishbones when it comes to love.
25. We’ll spend more time with guys who make us laugh and less time with guys who make us cry.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Awkwardness is genetic!!
Awkwardness
is genetic, it is located on Chromosome 5 loci 7. Don’t believe me look it
up. Actually its not but one day I will
do the research to find out if it is. I think it is cause I never seem to grow
out of my awkwardness it just grow and become more obvious. Maybe it’s the fact
I am try to hide my weirdness, my quirky behaviors. My random outburst that
make people look at me quizzically an dpause before giving up on the idea that
I am actually a logical and smart person, because of one moment of
gawkiness. Yes I am in the group of
awkward. I find it funny that now
everyone wants to embrace the awkward and quirkiness as a trend. Where were you
10 years ago, 15, 20 years ago? That’s right the same people who love the new
awkward trend where the one who would not befriend the slightly chubby kid or
the kid that knew too much. Think back to the show Malcolm in the Middle. No
one understood Malcolm but us awkward people do because he reminded us that
trying to be normal and fit in was ok but it would back fire cause the
awkwardness is in our DNA. Fast forward now we have shows about being you and
loving it. Everyone laughing jumping on the gravy train from Elle Varner, to
The misadventures of Awkward Black girl, the New Girl and other comedies.
People love awkward people. I feel isolated like the love people who embrace
their quirks and then want to also be deemed awkward also. You have not passed
the test! You have not went through the fire!
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Family and Love
Family and Love is nothing like Love and Hip-Hop. There are no crazy moments, but sometime influential people in our lives dislike the person we love. I am finding that out right now, with my loved one. I realized that sometimes, out happiness doesn’t always fall into line with what family thinks. Family members don’t always think someone is good enough, they don’t see the negative within them. They don’t want to remember what it was like for them to be single; the missteps, the wrong timing, the overestimation of feelings. All they see is your dating a separated man, or he works at McDonald’s, which sometimes both are credible, but not always. The truth is family never seem to like our choices in partners. What I realize is, they don’t want us to make the same missteps they made. They don’t want us to fall for the Okie dokie with men or women. They don’t us to be the mistress, and deal with I am not leaving my partner. They don’t want to see us hurt or sad. The thing we have to remember is that dislike comes from a place of love. We as daters should uses that moments of distrust to remind ourselves logically speaking there are signs of betrayal that appear early and pay heed. Not to let our family member words keep us from love.
*Again this is a quick rambling. I did not proofread and it maybe incoherent.
--deaverster
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Why Being Selfish is a good thing?
Why Being Selfish is a good thing?
So I recently, was thinking (lying in bed and staring at the ceiling). I realized being selfish is a good thing when done correctly. A lot of people hear the words selfish and they imagine, someone that always say no, or they don’t give of themselves. The older I get the more I realize that being selfish, is not a bad thing. In order to be productive individuals, have to be selfish, they have to put themselves first. There is no question or doubt about that. I realize 80% of my friends and family are selfish and they are happier than me. They make time for themselves and take spa days and lunches and enjoy life. However, I find that because I am not selfish I end up with more issues shall we say. I give and give of myself, but it seems like moments I try to be selfish is when people will say stop being selfish. I don’t really like being selfish cause, when people have selfish moments with me and they can’t help or don’t want to help. It infuriates me, because I don’t ask for a lot. So I make a promise to myself that I will not be selfish. People take advantage of that use it to their own ends. But, as I grow older I am okay with being selfish. It is necessary to get ahead, just as much as being an asshole is needed. Nice people don’t like it but, we nice people need it. Too many times I have seen douchebags get ahead being selfish and the nicest people get passed over and left in the dirt. My mid-year resolution is to be a little selfish and it’s ok to be an Ass if it means that I can have a little bit more happiness. Maybe to those who read this you can have a little bit more happiness also.
--deaversterAlso I did not proofread this paragraph. I just wrote it. So sorry for the lack of coherence.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Dating rules to leave behind--not written by me!
I found this in my archives and wanted to share. This is not written by me and I don't remember where I found this but I think its pretty relvant and good sho I decided to share amonst the world.
7 dating rules to ditch
By Lisa Cericola When it comes to dating, everyone’s an expert. Whether it’s how to split the check (the man pays), make conversation (don’t bring up marriage, kids, or your ex), or lean in for that first kiss (preferably in a doorway at the end of the night), we’ve all heard our share of solicited and unsolicited dating advice from co-workers, friends and overly friendly hairdressers. While these dos and don’ts are usually well-intentioned, they’re not always true across the board—and sometimes, just sometimes, you’ve got to break a few rules to find what you’re really looking for. Here’s a round-up of conventional ideas about dating and advice from real dating experts on why reconsidering them can actually improve your love life.
Rule #1: Never date a co-worker
Obviously, there are plenty of good reasons to be cautious if you’ve fallen for someone you’ll be running into every day at the office coffee pot. But unless your company handbook forbids relationships between employees, there’s no reason why you should abandon any hope of romance. “Dating people you work with makes practical sense—after all, we spend so much of our lives in the office, there’s often no other way or time to meet anyone else,” says dating expert April Masini, author of Think & Date Like a Man. Jennifer Nardella, 22, of Miami, FL, agrees completely. “My boyfriend and I met at a hospital where we both worked. I’ve always been against dating anyone at my job, so when he initially approached me, I wasn’t interested,” she says. “But over time, I realized how nice he was and we became friends. Eventually we started talking on the phone and seeing each other outside of work. Our relationship definitely added another level of pressure to my job, but we no longer work together now, and I’m so glad I made an exception to my rule and didn’t pass up the chance to be with him when we did!”
Rule #2: Always wait for the third (or fourth... or fifth) date to have sex
OK, so we’ve all heard a relationship is doomed if you sleep together too soon. But sometimes our feelings just get the best of us, and that doesn’t necessarily mean it will amount to nothing more than a fling. Rather than sticking to some rigid, “no sex until date six” rule, trust your gut and enjoy the moment if it feels right for both of you. “While I was on vacation in Miami with my girlfriends, I met a great guy who was everything I’d been looking for,” recalls Michelle Brown, 26, of Los Angeles, CA. “As the trip grew to an end, we shared a really romantic dinner and ended up going back to his hotel. I’ve never slept with a guy so soon after meeting him, but we were enjoying each other so much that I decided to just embrace the moment. Even though we lived in different cities, we traveled back and forth to visit each other for over a year afterward. Eventually the distance became too much of a barrier for anything serious to develop, but we’re still great friends today. I’ve never regretted that wonderfully spontaneous night.”
Rule #3: Rebound relationships never last
Give yourself time, they always say. While it’s healthy to mourn a relationship’s passing, that doesn’t mean you should ignore anyone great you meet while you recoup. “Not all breakups are the same,” explains Brent Atkinson, Ph.D., of The Couples Clinic (www.thecouplesclinic.com), adding that some couples have mentally broken up months before things become official. “Instead of focusing on the timing of a new relationship, where you are emotionally after a breakup is a better indicator of whether a rebound relationship will work out.” Case in point: “My rebound relationship has lasted four years!” says Debbie Fraser, 27, from Philadelphia. “My boyfriend Bill and I met while I was in a rocky relationship with my ex. The more we hung out, the more Bill made me realize how bad my current situation was. It wasn’t long before my ex and I broke up. I was a little worried about jumping from one relationship to another, and I’ll admit that things weren’t smooth sailing in the beginning. My previous relationship left me feeling pretty emotionally damaged, and we had lots of issues to work through as a new couple. But with time, we got through our problems and couldn’t be happier now. It really made me realize that you shouldn’t pass up a good thing just because of timing.”
Rule #4: Never date a friend’s ex
Your friends’ exes are usually off-limits when it comes to dating… but what if you felt a genuine connection with a friend’s old flame? This scenario can create a delicate situation for everyone involved, but according to Dennie Hughes, author of Dateworthy, there are ways to make it work. If you alert your pal to your feelings before acting on them, your friendship doesn’t necessarily need to suffer. Daniel Smith, 30, of New York City, had such an experience. “One night at a party, I started talking with a former girlfriend of one of my good friends,” he says. “While I always found her attractive, I never even considered dating her because I always associated her with my friend. But now that she was single (and he had moved on to someone else), she made it very clear that she was into me. When things started to look pretty promising, I decided to give my friend a call and fess up—and hopefully get his blessing. We’ll both admit now that it was the shortest and most awkward conversation we’ve ever had, but he thanked me for letting him know and he didn’t stand in our way.”
Rule #5: Only date one person at a time
Every so often, the stars align, and several new prospects come along at one time. But contrary to popular wisdom, you don’t have to settle for just one person. According to dating expert Dennie Hughes playing the field is the smartest way to find what you’re really looking for. “All single people should dare to have spares,” she explains. “Most people choose one person, commit to that person, and then a few months later realize the relationship isn’t working out so he or she starts all over again. Save yourself the time by simply dating more people and staying in the game longer.” Just be sure to be up front with everyone you’re seeing, letting each one know that you’re in “dating mode” and not interested in getting exclusive yet, as Sean Divine, 25, from San Francisco, CA did with good results. “Ever since I started dating, I’ve been a serial monogamist,” he says. “I always thought I was dating, but really I was just jumping from one long-term relationship to another. After my last breakup, I realized that if I’m going to find the right person I have to really see what my options are. So I started dating a number of people and found that it keeps things light and fun instead of getting too serious too fast. And it also gives me a chance to really figure out what I want in a mate. By not putting all of my eggs in one basket, I find that I’m able to judge people’s character better and see what my type truly is.”
Rule #6: Wait for your date to say “I love you” first
Saying the L-word for the first time is a huge turning point in any relationship, so it’s no wonder why most people say you should wait for your partner to take the lead. But contrary to popular belief, Atkinson says there’s no hard and fast rule for saying those three little words. “Sharing your feelings is courageous, and people tend to be attracted to others with a fearless, ‘go-for-it’ approach to life,” he says. Instead of obsessing over whether or not to say it, Atkinson suggests just going for it. Ann Stout, 25, from New York City agrees. “My boyfriend Mark and I had only been dating for a few months when I surprised him by saying ‘I love you,’” she says. “He was going away for the weekend and when I went to hug him goodbye, the words just came out before I realized what I was saying! Instead of saying it back, he just smiled and gave me a kiss. I could tell I had caught him completely off-guard, and I could feel myself blush. All weekend long I obsessed over it and why I had been so stupid to make the first move. But when he called me after he got back in town, to my surprise, he told me he had been thinking about what I said all weekend and how happy it made him feel. Even though he wasn’t ready to say it, he wanted to let me know that it didn’t mean he cared any less for me. And when he did finally tell me he loved me, a few weeks later, it was an extra special moment because I knew he really meant it.”
Rule #7: Couples who are in love spend all their free time together
One of the perks of being in a relationship is always having a standing date to do anything, from going dancing to washing your car. But that doesn’t mean you and your partner have to be joined at the hip. Spending time apart is actually a secret of happy couples, according to Hughes. “Things like your friends, career, hobbies and interests are what make you fascinating to a new date. Oftentimes, when couples settle down in a relationship they neglect the very things that made them interesting to each other in the first place,” she explains. To keep things fresh, nurture your life outside of the relationship, even if it means giving up a date night now and then. “When I met Mr. Right, my social life completely and suddenly changed,” says Ellen Collis, 25, of Louisville, KY. “I was so smitten that I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible. I started canceling long-standing dates with friends and as the months flew by, I realized I was completely losing touch with everyone but my boyfriend. After apologizing to all of my friends, I resolved to make plans at least one night a week without my boyfriend. The time spent apart gives us something new to talk about and made us appreciate the time we spend together even more!”
Are You Ready To Find The One?
By Amy Spencer
It happens to the best of us: There you are, going on date after date but none of them seem to be panning out. Maybe you’re just having a string of bad luck. But then again, sometimes — just sometimes — there’s more out there for you than you’ve noticed. Just because you’re keeping your eyes peeled for love doesn’t mean your heart is entirely open. If you can’t put your finger on why you’re still looking, check our list of the most common dating ruts. If you’re in one of them now, you have the power to change your outlook. Then, when someone with potential crosses your path, you’ll recognize it immediately and be ready to pounce!
Problem: You aren’t feeling instant sparks
Solution: Forget romance for a sec and use the “friend” filter
When we go on a date, we’re usually looking for some hit-us-over-the-head romantic chemistry, and when we don’t feel it, we think the date is a waste of time. But that’s not true! “If you have a strong negative reaction to someone you meet, that’s one thing, but a neutral or unsure reaction to a person can turn into chemistry down the line—and those that shut the door right away won’t get to find that out,” says Laurie Helgoe, Ph.D., author of the Boomer’s Guide to Dating (Again) and creator of Wakingdesire.com. So how can you be sure you’re open to later-blooming chemistry? Simple: Instead of using the “romance” filter that measures that love-at-first-sight chemistry, use the “friend” filter on your next date. Think about it: When you talk to a new person at a party, you don’t use cocktail conversation to search out what the two of you don’t have in common, you look for the things you do have in common. Try doing that on your next date. Instead of casting off your date too quickly (as in “Oh, he’s not into music,” or “Oh, she’s far too quiet compared to me”), hone in on whether you both love Frasier reruns, have similar views on immigration, or can’t stand cheese plates. “The pursuit of friendship takes the pressure off by making the goal of the date learning about the person,” says Dr. Helgoe. Which, let’s be honest, is what a first date should be, anyway. Because the more common ground you discover, the more likely chemistry can develop later.
Problem: Your dates look great on paper… but that’s it
Solution: Pay attention to how you’re feeling vs. your date’s résumé
So this person has a ton of wonderful qualities. That’s fine, for a start. But amazing chemistry isn’t just about finding someone you admire or think would be a great life partner. It’s about how you feel when you’re with that person. For instance, if the date you had last night was friendly and gregarious, but you felt more meek or quiet than usual in his or her shadow, that doesn’t make for strong chemistry. “You want to really feel like yourself—your happiest, most excited self,” explains Rhonda Findling, author of The Dating Cure. So on your next rendezvous, don’t merely ask, “Do I like this person?” Also ask yourself, “Do I like myself when I’m around this person?” And with an attitude like that, you just may recognize something brilliant very soon.
Problem: You don’t think this person has long-term potential
Solution: Try the “Carpe date-’em” trick
We single people are so afraid of “settling” that we can’t help looking ahead to the future in the first few minutes on a date. In the movie Something’s Gotta Give, Jack Nicholson asks Diane Keaton if she wants to go for a walk along the beach. She stammers and wavers until finally he says, “It’s just a walk, not a marriage proposal!” Try to think of your dates the same way. It’s not a long-term commitment… it’s a latte. Take it one step at a time. You know that saying carpe diem—in Latin, it means “seize the day!” Instead of carpe diem, carpe date-’em! Go on a date for what it is, and don’t start obsessing about whether this person wants the same number of kids as you do. Going slow is fine.
Problem: You swear all the good ones are taken already
Solution: Look again… at people you usually pass over
Thanks to all the adorably hopeful romantic comedy movies they keep making, it’s sometimes hard to shake the thought that someone, somewhere, someday, will sweep you off your feet and move with you to an old vineyard in Italy. But what about your neighbor who hits the same coffee shop in the morning 30 seconds after you do? Like traffic accidents, love accidents often happen close to home. You may be looking for a fairytale, but remember that sometimes, the fairytale is finding someone when you’re taking out the trash. “Think about the happy ending in Bridget Jones’ Diary,” says Dr. Helgoe. “She didn’t end up with her sexy boss… she ended up with the guy she met at the family party wearing a reindeer sweater!” So keep your antenna up 24/7 and the next time you wonder, “Where are all the good single men and women?” remind yourself they may be standing next to you in line at Old Navy or Whole Foods.
Problem: You feel down about yourself and not date-worthy
Solution: Give yourself a pre-date pep rally
After traveling a few miles on the road to nobody special, it’s easy to start blaming yourself. You wind up going out and socializing or turning up on a date with a sad-sack attitude. (Hint: Not a turn-on…) Nobody wants to date a downer, so it’s time to corral the cheerleaders in your life to remind you why you’re such a catch. One hour before your next date, give one of your cheerleaders a call. Maybe it’s an older brother who says, “Dude, you are a fine specimen. Go get ‘em!” When I’m having a down dating spell, I email my gay friend (the Will to my Grace) my latest dating sob story just so he’ll write back, “Are you kidding? You’re the prettiest girl in the world! If I liked girls, I would have wanted to marry you five years ago!” Is it hokey? Yes. Does it work every time? You betcha.
I couldn’t stop crying
By Nancy Angiello I came home from work and saw it: The Ring. With The Note—scrawled on a legal pad. My husband decided the marriage was over by leaving his wedding band (an unusual antique one that we’d excitedly chosen together) and a letter on the kitchen table. A bag of his stuff was gone. Very cinematic, the hand-written note and all. The union had been in trouble for a long time; we’d been in counseling, and were trying (not very successfully) to work it out. So maybe the end was near. But like this?
After a few years of marriage, you assume you are going to stay that way, putting in all of the effort to build a life together—even if it’s so rocky you realize it was a mistake. You keep thinking that the love you thought you had will cure all. We had met six years before, when I was in California visiting friends that he also knew. We rode bikes, browsed in used bookstores, bonded over Proust and pralines, pool tables and Pad Thai in the romantic fog of San Francisco. We kissed for the first time in the dusty aisles of a famous Beat poet’s bookstore. But great literature and intellectual sparks couldn’t save the sputtering flame of the marriage. It may have been the right move to separate, but — even though I didn’t know this at the time — I wanted to be the one who made the move first. My ego was so stomped that I couldn’t realize that, no matter who made the first physical move, I would be happier alone. At the time, it was like getting hit by a truck.
How the waterworks began
“Omygodomygod!” I wailed when I saw that little tableau on the table, and speed-dialed my brother and my two best girlfriends. They immediately arrived and witnessed the fall-out. The crying started and didn’t end. Seriously. I took to my bed and cried uncontrollably. This lasted for weeks, though I had to get up and go to work and everything else. I couldn’t really eat. I lost 15 pounds, and I was already slim. I felt weak, and that made me emotionally weaker.
For almost a year, I could not stop those waterworks: on the subway, behind sunglasses, walking down the street, seeing couples (couples! They were the worst. And they were everywhere—snuggling, dining, laughing). The loaded items still in our apartment always got the gushing started: the dried-up wedding bouquet and ghostly wedding gown looming in the closet; pictures and letters all over the apartment; his empty bookshelves and closet that I refused to fill (they became a deranged sort of shrine to negative space, so that I could pay homage to his lost things)—to memorize what we once had, or to fantasize that he’d fill them again one day? And those remnants of things only my ex used — a jar of salsa, a can of Nestle’s Quik — daily mocked me. Yet I kept them, worshipped them as relics, let them console me as they tortured me. Like that comforter his grandmother made us for our wedding. Did I give it away, as I should have, that symbol of domestic comfort, which we never had? No, I wrapped myself in it every night and cried so hard I soaked it.
Getting through the grief
But I had to let myself go through the grieving process. Not everyone wanted me to. My MD insisted on drugs. “Prozac, Prozac for your grief! You’ve lost too much weight! You must not feel this way!” I refused, but took her up on the offer to go and get a milk shake to start putting the weight on me. (I did like the nurse’s advice, though: “Don’t cry over him, dahlink,” she said with her Eastern European accent. “He’s not worth crying over. Keep your good looks—don’t let him ruin your face from crying.”) That became one of my mantras: “He’s not worth crying over, dahlink.” Helpful hint: Hold onto those mantras when you find one that works.
Some friends tried to give me self-help books, little talks on love and forgiveness (nah), and quick-fixes to “heal.” When you look back, you can say: “It was all for the best.” But at the time, if someone were to say that, or that classic “When one door closes, another opens,” you want to sock them. Or else you just nod your head vacuously, yesyesyes, as you slowly go mad. You watch their mouths move and the words they speak as if they are coming out of one of those cartoon bubbles.
I knew I was young, attractive and had much to look forward to. But at the time, I didn’t believe it. I had to go through the grief cycle first. There was the denial—“Don’t say anything bad about him!” I’d plead to friends who wanted to rake my ex’s memory across the coals, not wanting to recognize that I’d “wasted” all those years with him. Then came my version of mourning: Look at wedding album. Weep over wedding album, then scream at it. Shove in drawer. Slowly get it out again. Next, I moved onto rage: I hate him! That &%$#! After that, I finally realized, through great counseling, that I’d gotten a rare second chance. Relief followed, then glimmers of joy. And finally: real joy.
Working my way to joy
To get there took a lot of work; I cannot lie to you. For me, when rage hit, I hit the gym. I’d chosen endorphins over pharmaceuticals, so I needed to get going. For me, exorcising meant exercising. I was lucky. The trainer who I happened to meet at the gym was a serious Zen student; a black belt, and one of those random deep souls who help change your life for the better. It didn’t hurt when he looked at me with his beautiful blue eyes and said, when I complained about how weak I’d become, “We’re going to take care of you.” Ahh, Matthew. After working on me for a few months with weights and everything else, and I started to develop muscle, Matthew got out the boxing gloves. I was hooked. He had me slicing, upper-cutting, left- hooking, right-hooking. I became a pro at the speed bag, the heavy bag and hitting the heck out of the mitts Matthew moved in front of me. My feet danced in the boxer’s stance. (Guilty admission: I sometimes pretended that the mitts were the faces of some people who shall remain nameless…)
I discovered a power I’d never experienced. I loved the strength my body had; the concentration my mind had. Matthew showed me the new muscles I’d developed. I was hot!
I’m not saying that the gym is the way to end all the trauma of going through a breakup. But when you look so strong, and the exercising makes you mentally fit as well, and time has helped… well, who doesn’t want to look good when you’re going through so much hell? And then good people are drawn to you when you are strong.
Taking the big step forward
Enter Walter, cute guy at the gym. I am punching the speed bag, in a skimpy tank top and wrapped hands, happier than I’d been in a long time. Why does it make you so happy to punch? I don’t know. It just does. My arms are working, they are making this beautiful rhythm of the bag against my hands against the backboard. Ba-PAH, ba-PAH, ba-PAH! He walks over to me. “Wow, you are great at that! I’ve always wanted to learn…” Next scene: I am teaching this athletic stud to hit the speed bag. After a few minutes, he asks for my number. I took his instead, so I could be in control. Control is key in the post-breakup process.
I looked at his number for a few weeks, thinking about it, twisting up the scrap of paper… until I was ready to dial. We met for breakfast one Saturday. A morning date felt safest. I wasn’t sure about all of this. I was almost happy alone, happy to not take any more risks. I didn’t need anyone. I had my friends, my work, my family, the boxing, and everything else I love. I’d thrown out the damn salsa and chocolate powder and given away the blanket. What more could I need or want? So why was I laughing and having fun chatting with Walter?
There was a rare warm sun warming that December morning. We sat on a stoop and my back became so relaxed; I felt like I was thawing. Then Walter touched my shoulders. Aahhh. Later on that night (that date just kept going...), the first kiss with him was one of the best in my life.
And that brings me to what the most unexpected lesson was in that crazy, tumultuous year post-divorce. Yes, I needed my family and friends, I needed to work, and to kick ass in the gym to stop crying. But what I also needed to remember was that, as impossible as it may have seemed, there were other relationships out there for me… guys who could rock my world, and whose world could be rocked by me.
7 dating rules to ditch
By Lisa Cericola When it comes to dating, everyone’s an expert. Whether it’s how to split the check (the man pays), make conversation (don’t bring up marriage, kids, or your ex), or lean in for that first kiss (preferably in a doorway at the end of the night), we’ve all heard our share of solicited and unsolicited dating advice from co-workers, friends and overly friendly hairdressers. While these dos and don’ts are usually well-intentioned, they’re not always true across the board—and sometimes, just sometimes, you’ve got to break a few rules to find what you’re really looking for. Here’s a round-up of conventional ideas about dating and advice from real dating experts on why reconsidering them can actually improve your love life.
Rule #1: Never date a co-worker
Obviously, there are plenty of good reasons to be cautious if you’ve fallen for someone you’ll be running into every day at the office coffee pot. But unless your company handbook forbids relationships between employees, there’s no reason why you should abandon any hope of romance. “Dating people you work with makes practical sense—after all, we spend so much of our lives in the office, there’s often no other way or time to meet anyone else,” says dating expert April Masini, author of Think & Date Like a Man. Jennifer Nardella, 22, of Miami, FL, agrees completely. “My boyfriend and I met at a hospital where we both worked. I’ve always been against dating anyone at my job, so when he initially approached me, I wasn’t interested,” she says. “But over time, I realized how nice he was and we became friends. Eventually we started talking on the phone and seeing each other outside of work. Our relationship definitely added another level of pressure to my job, but we no longer work together now, and I’m so glad I made an exception to my rule and didn’t pass up the chance to be with him when we did!”
Rule #2: Always wait for the third (or fourth... or fifth) date to have sex
OK, so we’ve all heard a relationship is doomed if you sleep together too soon. But sometimes our feelings just get the best of us, and that doesn’t necessarily mean it will amount to nothing more than a fling. Rather than sticking to some rigid, “no sex until date six” rule, trust your gut and enjoy the moment if it feels right for both of you. “While I was on vacation in Miami with my girlfriends, I met a great guy who was everything I’d been looking for,” recalls Michelle Brown, 26, of Los Angeles, CA. “As the trip grew to an end, we shared a really romantic dinner and ended up going back to his hotel. I’ve never slept with a guy so soon after meeting him, but we were enjoying each other so much that I decided to just embrace the moment. Even though we lived in different cities, we traveled back and forth to visit each other for over a year afterward. Eventually the distance became too much of a barrier for anything serious to develop, but we’re still great friends today. I’ve never regretted that wonderfully spontaneous night.”
Rule #3: Rebound relationships never last
Give yourself time, they always say. While it’s healthy to mourn a relationship’s passing, that doesn’t mean you should ignore anyone great you meet while you recoup. “Not all breakups are the same,” explains Brent Atkinson, Ph.D., of The Couples Clinic (www.thecouplesclinic.com), adding that some couples have mentally broken up months before things become official. “Instead of focusing on the timing of a new relationship, where you are emotionally after a breakup is a better indicator of whether a rebound relationship will work out.” Case in point: “My rebound relationship has lasted four years!” says Debbie Fraser, 27, from Philadelphia. “My boyfriend Bill and I met while I was in a rocky relationship with my ex. The more we hung out, the more Bill made me realize how bad my current situation was. It wasn’t long before my ex and I broke up. I was a little worried about jumping from one relationship to another, and I’ll admit that things weren’t smooth sailing in the beginning. My previous relationship left me feeling pretty emotionally damaged, and we had lots of issues to work through as a new couple. But with time, we got through our problems and couldn’t be happier now. It really made me realize that you shouldn’t pass up a good thing just because of timing.”
Rule #4: Never date a friend’s ex
Your friends’ exes are usually off-limits when it comes to dating… but what if you felt a genuine connection with a friend’s old flame? This scenario can create a delicate situation for everyone involved, but according to Dennie Hughes, author of Dateworthy, there are ways to make it work. If you alert your pal to your feelings before acting on them, your friendship doesn’t necessarily need to suffer. Daniel Smith, 30, of New York City, had such an experience. “One night at a party, I started talking with a former girlfriend of one of my good friends,” he says. “While I always found her attractive, I never even considered dating her because I always associated her with my friend. But now that she was single (and he had moved on to someone else), she made it very clear that she was into me. When things started to look pretty promising, I decided to give my friend a call and fess up—and hopefully get his blessing. We’ll both admit now that it was the shortest and most awkward conversation we’ve ever had, but he thanked me for letting him know and he didn’t stand in our way.”
Rule #5: Only date one person at a time
Every so often, the stars align, and several new prospects come along at one time. But contrary to popular wisdom, you don’t have to settle for just one person. According to dating expert Dennie Hughes playing the field is the smartest way to find what you’re really looking for. “All single people should dare to have spares,” she explains. “Most people choose one person, commit to that person, and then a few months later realize the relationship isn’t working out so he or she starts all over again. Save yourself the time by simply dating more people and staying in the game longer.” Just be sure to be up front with everyone you’re seeing, letting each one know that you’re in “dating mode” and not interested in getting exclusive yet, as Sean Divine, 25, from San Francisco, CA did with good results. “Ever since I started dating, I’ve been a serial monogamist,” he says. “I always thought I was dating, but really I was just jumping from one long-term relationship to another. After my last breakup, I realized that if I’m going to find the right person I have to really see what my options are. So I started dating a number of people and found that it keeps things light and fun instead of getting too serious too fast. And it also gives me a chance to really figure out what I want in a mate. By not putting all of my eggs in one basket, I find that I’m able to judge people’s character better and see what my type truly is.”
Rule #6: Wait for your date to say “I love you” first
Saying the L-word for the first time is a huge turning point in any relationship, so it’s no wonder why most people say you should wait for your partner to take the lead. But contrary to popular belief, Atkinson says there’s no hard and fast rule for saying those three little words. “Sharing your feelings is courageous, and people tend to be attracted to others with a fearless, ‘go-for-it’ approach to life,” he says. Instead of obsessing over whether or not to say it, Atkinson suggests just going for it. Ann Stout, 25, from New York City agrees. “My boyfriend Mark and I had only been dating for a few months when I surprised him by saying ‘I love you,’” she says. “He was going away for the weekend and when I went to hug him goodbye, the words just came out before I realized what I was saying! Instead of saying it back, he just smiled and gave me a kiss. I could tell I had caught him completely off-guard, and I could feel myself blush. All weekend long I obsessed over it and why I had been so stupid to make the first move. But when he called me after he got back in town, to my surprise, he told me he had been thinking about what I said all weekend and how happy it made him feel. Even though he wasn’t ready to say it, he wanted to let me know that it didn’t mean he cared any less for me. And when he did finally tell me he loved me, a few weeks later, it was an extra special moment because I knew he really meant it.”
Rule #7: Couples who are in love spend all their free time together
One of the perks of being in a relationship is always having a standing date to do anything, from going dancing to washing your car. But that doesn’t mean you and your partner have to be joined at the hip. Spending time apart is actually a secret of happy couples, according to Hughes. “Things like your friends, career, hobbies and interests are what make you fascinating to a new date. Oftentimes, when couples settle down in a relationship they neglect the very things that made them interesting to each other in the first place,” she explains. To keep things fresh, nurture your life outside of the relationship, even if it means giving up a date night now and then. “When I met Mr. Right, my social life completely and suddenly changed,” says Ellen Collis, 25, of Louisville, KY. “I was so smitten that I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible. I started canceling long-standing dates with friends and as the months flew by, I realized I was completely losing touch with everyone but my boyfriend. After apologizing to all of my friends, I resolved to make plans at least one night a week without my boyfriend. The time spent apart gives us something new to talk about and made us appreciate the time we spend together even more!”
Are You Ready To Find The One?
By Amy Spencer
It happens to the best of us: There you are, going on date after date but none of them seem to be panning out. Maybe you’re just having a string of bad luck. But then again, sometimes — just sometimes — there’s more out there for you than you’ve noticed. Just because you’re keeping your eyes peeled for love doesn’t mean your heart is entirely open. If you can’t put your finger on why you’re still looking, check our list of the most common dating ruts. If you’re in one of them now, you have the power to change your outlook. Then, when someone with potential crosses your path, you’ll recognize it immediately and be ready to pounce!
Problem: You aren’t feeling instant sparks
Solution: Forget romance for a sec and use the “friend” filter
When we go on a date, we’re usually looking for some hit-us-over-the-head romantic chemistry, and when we don’t feel it, we think the date is a waste of time. But that’s not true! “If you have a strong negative reaction to someone you meet, that’s one thing, but a neutral or unsure reaction to a person can turn into chemistry down the line—and those that shut the door right away won’t get to find that out,” says Laurie Helgoe, Ph.D., author of the Boomer’s Guide to Dating (Again) and creator of Wakingdesire.com. So how can you be sure you’re open to later-blooming chemistry? Simple: Instead of using the “romance” filter that measures that love-at-first-sight chemistry, use the “friend” filter on your next date. Think about it: When you talk to a new person at a party, you don’t use cocktail conversation to search out what the two of you don’t have in common, you look for the things you do have in common. Try doing that on your next date. Instead of casting off your date too quickly (as in “Oh, he’s not into music,” or “Oh, she’s far too quiet compared to me”), hone in on whether you both love Frasier reruns, have similar views on immigration, or can’t stand cheese plates. “The pursuit of friendship takes the pressure off by making the goal of the date learning about the person,” says Dr. Helgoe. Which, let’s be honest, is what a first date should be, anyway. Because the more common ground you discover, the more likely chemistry can develop later.
Problem: Your dates look great on paper… but that’s it
Solution: Pay attention to how you’re feeling vs. your date’s résumé
So this person has a ton of wonderful qualities. That’s fine, for a start. But amazing chemistry isn’t just about finding someone you admire or think would be a great life partner. It’s about how you feel when you’re with that person. For instance, if the date you had last night was friendly and gregarious, but you felt more meek or quiet than usual in his or her shadow, that doesn’t make for strong chemistry. “You want to really feel like yourself—your happiest, most excited self,” explains Rhonda Findling, author of The Dating Cure. So on your next rendezvous, don’t merely ask, “Do I like this person?” Also ask yourself, “Do I like myself when I’m around this person?” And with an attitude like that, you just may recognize something brilliant very soon.
Problem: You don’t think this person has long-term potential
Solution: Try the “Carpe date-’em” trick
We single people are so afraid of “settling” that we can’t help looking ahead to the future in the first few minutes on a date. In the movie Something’s Gotta Give, Jack Nicholson asks Diane Keaton if she wants to go for a walk along the beach. She stammers and wavers until finally he says, “It’s just a walk, not a marriage proposal!” Try to think of your dates the same way. It’s not a long-term commitment… it’s a latte. Take it one step at a time. You know that saying carpe diem—in Latin, it means “seize the day!” Instead of carpe diem, carpe date-’em! Go on a date for what it is, and don’t start obsessing about whether this person wants the same number of kids as you do. Going slow is fine.
Problem: You swear all the good ones are taken already
Solution: Look again… at people you usually pass over
Thanks to all the adorably hopeful romantic comedy movies they keep making, it’s sometimes hard to shake the thought that someone, somewhere, someday, will sweep you off your feet and move with you to an old vineyard in Italy. But what about your neighbor who hits the same coffee shop in the morning 30 seconds after you do? Like traffic accidents, love accidents often happen close to home. You may be looking for a fairytale, but remember that sometimes, the fairytale is finding someone when you’re taking out the trash. “Think about the happy ending in Bridget Jones’ Diary,” says Dr. Helgoe. “She didn’t end up with her sexy boss… she ended up with the guy she met at the family party wearing a reindeer sweater!” So keep your antenna up 24/7 and the next time you wonder, “Where are all the good single men and women?” remind yourself they may be standing next to you in line at Old Navy or Whole Foods.
Problem: You feel down about yourself and not date-worthy
Solution: Give yourself a pre-date pep rally
After traveling a few miles on the road to nobody special, it’s easy to start blaming yourself. You wind up going out and socializing or turning up on a date with a sad-sack attitude. (Hint: Not a turn-on…) Nobody wants to date a downer, so it’s time to corral the cheerleaders in your life to remind you why you’re such a catch. One hour before your next date, give one of your cheerleaders a call. Maybe it’s an older brother who says, “Dude, you are a fine specimen. Go get ‘em!” When I’m having a down dating spell, I email my gay friend (the Will to my Grace) my latest dating sob story just so he’ll write back, “Are you kidding? You’re the prettiest girl in the world! If I liked girls, I would have wanted to marry you five years ago!” Is it hokey? Yes. Does it work every time? You betcha.
I couldn’t stop crying
By Nancy Angiello I came home from work and saw it: The Ring. With The Note—scrawled on a legal pad. My husband decided the marriage was over by leaving his wedding band (an unusual antique one that we’d excitedly chosen together) and a letter on the kitchen table. A bag of his stuff was gone. Very cinematic, the hand-written note and all. The union had been in trouble for a long time; we’d been in counseling, and were trying (not very successfully) to work it out. So maybe the end was near. But like this?
After a few years of marriage, you assume you are going to stay that way, putting in all of the effort to build a life together—even if it’s so rocky you realize it was a mistake. You keep thinking that the love you thought you had will cure all. We had met six years before, when I was in California visiting friends that he also knew. We rode bikes, browsed in used bookstores, bonded over Proust and pralines, pool tables and Pad Thai in the romantic fog of San Francisco. We kissed for the first time in the dusty aisles of a famous Beat poet’s bookstore. But great literature and intellectual sparks couldn’t save the sputtering flame of the marriage. It may have been the right move to separate, but — even though I didn’t know this at the time — I wanted to be the one who made the move first. My ego was so stomped that I couldn’t realize that, no matter who made the first physical move, I would be happier alone. At the time, it was like getting hit by a truck.
How the waterworks began
“Omygodomygod!” I wailed when I saw that little tableau on the table, and speed-dialed my brother and my two best girlfriends. They immediately arrived and witnessed the fall-out. The crying started and didn’t end. Seriously. I took to my bed and cried uncontrollably. This lasted for weeks, though I had to get up and go to work and everything else. I couldn’t really eat. I lost 15 pounds, and I was already slim. I felt weak, and that made me emotionally weaker.
For almost a year, I could not stop those waterworks: on the subway, behind sunglasses, walking down the street, seeing couples (couples! They were the worst. And they were everywhere—snuggling, dining, laughing). The loaded items still in our apartment always got the gushing started: the dried-up wedding bouquet and ghostly wedding gown looming in the closet; pictures and letters all over the apartment; his empty bookshelves and closet that I refused to fill (they became a deranged sort of shrine to negative space, so that I could pay homage to his lost things)—to memorize what we once had, or to fantasize that he’d fill them again one day? And those remnants of things only my ex used — a jar of salsa, a can of Nestle’s Quik — daily mocked me. Yet I kept them, worshipped them as relics, let them console me as they tortured me. Like that comforter his grandmother made us for our wedding. Did I give it away, as I should have, that symbol of domestic comfort, which we never had? No, I wrapped myself in it every night and cried so hard I soaked it.
Getting through the grief
But I had to let myself go through the grieving process. Not everyone wanted me to. My MD insisted on drugs. “Prozac, Prozac for your grief! You’ve lost too much weight! You must not feel this way!” I refused, but took her up on the offer to go and get a milk shake to start putting the weight on me. (I did like the nurse’s advice, though: “Don’t cry over him, dahlink,” she said with her Eastern European accent. “He’s not worth crying over. Keep your good looks—don’t let him ruin your face from crying.”) That became one of my mantras: “He’s not worth crying over, dahlink.” Helpful hint: Hold onto those mantras when you find one that works.
Some friends tried to give me self-help books, little talks on love and forgiveness (nah), and quick-fixes to “heal.” When you look back, you can say: “It was all for the best.” But at the time, if someone were to say that, or that classic “When one door closes, another opens,” you want to sock them. Or else you just nod your head vacuously, yesyesyes, as you slowly go mad. You watch their mouths move and the words they speak as if they are coming out of one of those cartoon bubbles.
I knew I was young, attractive and had much to look forward to. But at the time, I didn’t believe it. I had to go through the grief cycle first. There was the denial—“Don’t say anything bad about him!” I’d plead to friends who wanted to rake my ex’s memory across the coals, not wanting to recognize that I’d “wasted” all those years with him. Then came my version of mourning: Look at wedding album. Weep over wedding album, then scream at it. Shove in drawer. Slowly get it out again. Next, I moved onto rage: I hate him! That &%$#! After that, I finally realized, through great counseling, that I’d gotten a rare second chance. Relief followed, then glimmers of joy. And finally: real joy.
Working my way to joy
To get there took a lot of work; I cannot lie to you. For me, when rage hit, I hit the gym. I’d chosen endorphins over pharmaceuticals, so I needed to get going. For me, exorcising meant exercising. I was lucky. The trainer who I happened to meet at the gym was a serious Zen student; a black belt, and one of those random deep souls who help change your life for the better. It didn’t hurt when he looked at me with his beautiful blue eyes and said, when I complained about how weak I’d become, “We’re going to take care of you.” Ahh, Matthew. After working on me for a few months with weights and everything else, and I started to develop muscle, Matthew got out the boxing gloves. I was hooked. He had me slicing, upper-cutting, left- hooking, right-hooking. I became a pro at the speed bag, the heavy bag and hitting the heck out of the mitts Matthew moved in front of me. My feet danced in the boxer’s stance. (Guilty admission: I sometimes pretended that the mitts were the faces of some people who shall remain nameless…)
I discovered a power I’d never experienced. I loved the strength my body had; the concentration my mind had. Matthew showed me the new muscles I’d developed. I was hot!
I’m not saying that the gym is the way to end all the trauma of going through a breakup. But when you look so strong, and the exercising makes you mentally fit as well, and time has helped… well, who doesn’t want to look good when you’re going through so much hell? And then good people are drawn to you when you are strong.
Taking the big step forward
Enter Walter, cute guy at the gym. I am punching the speed bag, in a skimpy tank top and wrapped hands, happier than I’d been in a long time. Why does it make you so happy to punch? I don’t know. It just does. My arms are working, they are making this beautiful rhythm of the bag against my hands against the backboard. Ba-PAH, ba-PAH, ba-PAH! He walks over to me. “Wow, you are great at that! I’ve always wanted to learn…” Next scene: I am teaching this athletic stud to hit the speed bag. After a few minutes, he asks for my number. I took his instead, so I could be in control. Control is key in the post-breakup process.
I looked at his number for a few weeks, thinking about it, twisting up the scrap of paper… until I was ready to dial. We met for breakfast one Saturday. A morning date felt safest. I wasn’t sure about all of this. I was almost happy alone, happy to not take any more risks. I didn’t need anyone. I had my friends, my work, my family, the boxing, and everything else I love. I’d thrown out the damn salsa and chocolate powder and given away the blanket. What more could I need or want? So why was I laughing and having fun chatting with Walter?
There was a rare warm sun warming that December morning. We sat on a stoop and my back became so relaxed; I felt like I was thawing. Then Walter touched my shoulders. Aahhh. Later on that night (that date just kept going...), the first kiss with him was one of the best in my life.
And that brings me to what the most unexpected lesson was in that crazy, tumultuous year post-divorce. Yes, I needed my family and friends, I needed to work, and to kick ass in the gym to stop crying. But what I also needed to remember was that, as impossible as it may have seemed, there were other relationships out there for me… guys who could rock my world, and whose world could be rocked by me.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Friday, March 30, 2012
End of the Month Rambling
So I was recently talking to a friend about his dating issues well just one dating issue, he started to date a female that was celibate. I am perfectly fine with celibacy it keeps the boundaries clear and defined. It protects both parties from bad decisions (i.e. pity sex, and bored sex). Also, I am just don’t trust other peoples private parts, they may be infected or just nasty. So I can understand why more people practice celibacy. I am an advocate for until I feel ready. I can know you for years , if I don’t feel ready I won’t do anything. It just the morals I hold for myself. Anyway I digress. He was telling me about how she wanted to wait until marriage. Which is admirable and I respect that, but the way she did it where I have an issue. She waited until 6 months into dating him to say out right “Oh I am waiting until marriage to have sex”. So here is the listed reason why you should say these upfront and other ramblings:
- You should make it clear by the first month of dating or by date number 3 what you intentions are. I understand being celibate in some ways, I practice it more than I would like to admit. I also tell every man I want to date early. I am not big on “casual sex” I like to have a relationship and make sure we are compatible emotionally, before sleeping with each other. I feel if I tell you early, than if you decide dating me is not an option than no hurt feelings should occur( Sometimes I am wrong). But waiting until 6 months into a relationship. WHAT the WHAT??? No that a big NO. If you can’t tell them upfront than you shouldn’t be dating them.
- Don’t send “pics” to men that you are not going to sleep with them. Again if you made it clear no fun before marriage than do not play the teasing game. Sending pictures of you partially clothed is the worst tease of all. Look pictures are awesome especially when they know they get to touch it later but if there no touching than there should be no pictures.
- Steve Harvey and all the Black movies need to stop promoting the wrong ideals. No offense makes you money because that how the world works. But stop with advice you wouldn’t take. Like the 90-day rule. Again I am an advocate for when you are ready not when he is ready. If you are not big on sex let him know so he can decide to stick it out our leave. If you are practicing celibacy than have an adult conversation about it and why.
- “I was hurt by a man is not a valid reason.” I get sick and tired of woman saying how bad they were hurt by their Ex. If you were that hurt take a year or 2 off form dating and sex, to heal yourself. It’s not fun trust me but during that time you can practice celibacy and find out what is important to you. Do you want s short term relationship, or long-term companionship? Be truthful with you hopes and expectations. However, work on your fairytale issues. No there are not knight in shining armor. No he will not wait and he doesn’t have too. No you are not a damsel in distress and stop acting like one.
So here are my ramblings I completely got off of the subject but I hope you enjoy reading this post. If not than stop reading these post.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Your dating bill of rights
This is from another writer but I love what she wrote and wanted to share this with people. I love to share.
By Nina Malkin We, the people — in particular, those socially active seekers of romance, companionship and pleasure — deserve certain inalienable rights when it comes to charting the waters of the dating scene. And so, in honor of Independence Day (you’re looking for love, not surrendering your sense of self), here they are:
You have the right to ask. If you meet a person of interest, you are free to ask him/her out. Sounds simple—but until you fully embrace this concept, you may hinder yourself socially. Asking someone out is not gender-exclusive (i.e., women can and should do it). And no one is out of your league (the worst he/she can say is no thanks). So unless the guy/girl you’ve got designs on is in a relationship or part of a celibate religious order, ask away!
You have the right to the jitters. Getting to know a new person can be nerve-wracking. Pre-date anxiety is so common, it’s a safe bet the person you’re sweating about seeing is doing the same about you. It’s all right to not only feel it, but admit it. Indeed, saying, “I’m a little nervous about tonight” can work as an icebreaker.
You have the right to punctuality. It’s a date, not a “stop by whenever…” open house. Expect to be met or picked up on time (so be ready or at the rendezvous spot on time), or called in advance if delays are unavoidable. Consider enacting a 15-minute rule. If a date is a quarter of an hour late, don’t wait!
You have the right to free speech. Yes, you want this person to like you, but that doesn’t mean you should alter your ideas or opinions to voice what you think your date wants to hear. Speak your mind! That said, make sure you encourage your date to speak freely, too. No one wants to hang out with a conversation hog.
You have the right to fun. Approach dating like a job interview, and a good time will not be had by all. While the impulse to ascertain someone’s long-term commitment potential is natural, it’s a bit self-defeating in the early stages of dating. Go on activity-oriented dates, where you can get a vibe about a person, as opposed to doing entirely talk-centric stuff that can make both of you feel scrutinized and squirmy. Think brief, planned encounters initially instead of random marathons. Keep conversations light on topics like shared interests (rather than delving into each other’s psyches and romantic histories right away).
You have the right to undivided attention. A date is by and large a one-on-one activity. It’s not about two people and a gadget. Or two people and all of his/her friends at the bar. If the individual you’re out with constantly checks email or takes cell phone calls — or is so distracted by others in the room that you feel ignored — end the date early and move on.
You have the right to bare arms—or long sleeves. Wear jeans and a T-shirt—or something fancier if it makes you feel more on top of your game. The point is: Dress comfortably for dates, donning an outfit you look good and feel good in. You’ll come off as confident—and be more naturally desirable. Of course, do aim to be occasion-appropriate (that slinky evening gown might not do for his backyard barbecue; shorts and a tank top won’t work for a candlelit dinner).
You have the right to kiss. Physical attraction is what makes dating different from other relationships. If you’re both feeling it, go for it! And that applies whether it’s date #1 or #10. There’s no set timetable. And if you’re feeling it but aren’t sure whether the other person is, you can always say, “I really want to kiss you right now,” and see what reaction you get. Just keep in mind that kissing can be a gateway display of affection—as things progress, be prepared for safe sex.
You have the right to follow-up. This is not only a right, it’s a courteous custom that nice people ascribe to. And somebody’s got to place the follow-up call/email. If you had an enjoyable time and would like to see this person again, don’t play games about how many days you’re “supposed” to wait, get in touch.
You have the right to cancel. If you’re having a crappy day, feel a cold coming on or get slammed with a project at work, it’s perfectly reasonable to contact your date the day of your plans, explain your situation, and ask for a rain check. However, canceling because something or someone better came along, while not a criminal offense, may be a karmic one.
You have the right to bow out (and break up). Occasionally, you may find yourself on a date from hell. Trust your gut on this, and cash in that “get out of date free” card. If the date is going badly (and especially if the person you’re with makes you feel at all uncomfortable or unsafe) you’re by no means obligated to see it through. The same applies to relationships that turn out to be not what you want. Don’t “hang in there” because you don’t wish to propagate hurt feelings. Be courteous, be quick—and get out! A “Thank you; I need to be going in a minute” on a first date or “It’s been nice getting to know you, but I don’t see our relationship progressing” after a couple of get-togethers should work well.
You have the right to punctuality. It’s a date, not a “stop by whenever…” open house. Expect to be met or picked up on time (so be ready or at the rendezvous spot on time), or called in advance if delays are unavoidable. Consider enacting a 15-minute rule. If a date is a quarter of an hour late, don’t wait!
You have the right to free speech. Yes, you want this person to like you, but that doesn’t mean you should alter your ideas or opinions to voice what you think your date wants to hear. Speak your mind! That said, make sure you encourage your date to speak freely, too. No one wants to hang out with a conversation hog.
You have the right to fun. Approach dating like a job interview, and a good time will not be had by all. While the impulse to ascertain someone’s long-term commitment potential is natural, it’s a bit self-defeating in the early stages of dating. Go on activity-oriented dates, where you can get a vibe about a person, as opposed to doing entirely talk-centric stuff that can make both of you feel scrutinized and squirmy. Think brief, planned encounters initially instead of random marathons. Keep conversations light on topics like shared interests (rather than delving into each other’s psyches and romantic histories right away).
You have the right to undivided attention. A date is by and large a one-on-one activity. It’s not about two people and a gadget. Or two people and all of his/her friends at the bar. If the individual you’re out with constantly checks email or takes cell phone calls — or is so distracted by others in the room that you feel ignored — end the date early and move on.
You have the right to bare arms—or long sleeves. Wear jeans and a T-shirt—or something fancier if it makes you feel more on top of your game. The point is: Dress comfortably for dates, donning an outfit you look good and feel good in. You’ll come off as confident—and be more naturally desirable. Of course, do aim to be occasion-appropriate (that slinky evening gown might not do for his backyard barbecue; shorts and a tank top won’t work for a candlelit dinner).
You have the right to kiss. Physical attraction is what makes dating different from other relationships. If you’re both feeling it, go for it! And that applies whether it’s date #1 or #10. There’s no set timetable. And if you’re feeling it but aren’t sure whether the other person is, you can always say, “I really want to kiss you right now,” and see what reaction you get. Just keep in mind that kissing can be a gateway display of affection—as things progress, be prepared for safe sex.
You have the right to follow-up. This is not only a right, it’s a courteous custom that nice people ascribe to. And somebody’s got to place the follow-up call/email. If you had an enjoyable time and would like to see this person again, don’t play games about how many days you’re “supposed” to wait, get in touch.
You have the right to cancel. If you’re having a crappy day, feel a cold coming on or get slammed with a project at work, it’s perfectly reasonable to contact your date the day of your plans, explain your situation, and ask for a rain check. However, canceling because something or someone better came along, while not a criminal offense, may be a karmic one.
You have the right to bow out (and break up). Occasionally, you may find yourself on a date from hell. Trust your gut on this, and cash in that “get out of date free” card. If the date is going badly (and especially if the person you’re with makes you feel at all uncomfortable or unsafe) you’re by no means obligated to see it through. The same applies to relationships that turn out to be not what you want. Don’t “hang in there” because you don’t wish to propagate hurt feelings. Be courteous, be quick—and get out! A “Thank you; I need to be going in a minute” on a first date or “It’s been nice getting to know you, but I don’t see our relationship progressing” after a couple of get-togethers should work well.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Alpha Males, Beta Males and Omega males….
I found this along time ago. I got it off MSN but don't remeber the writer, but I wanted to share this to all.
The Liberal Arts Layabout: Since he's hanging out with successful artist types, Greenberg falls into this category, along with other Noah Baumbach characters (Jack Black in Margot at the Wedding, Chris Eigeman in Kicking and Screaming) and every role that Jason Schwartzman has ever played. They are usually failed artists of some sort, often surrounded by more successful friends and relatives. The bitter ones—Greenberg, Chris Eigeman—hide their inability to live up to the demands of the world with cynicism verging on cruelty. For example, after yelling, unprovoked, at his young lover Florence
The Mimbo: Unlike the liberal arts layabout, the mimbo revels in not participating in mainstream masculine culture. This character is very good-looking (hence the contraction—male bimbo) but doesn't necessarily use his looks for personal gain. Mimbos of TV and film include Cougar Town's Brian Van Holt, who plays the lead character's hapless, underemployed golf-pro ex-husband, and Dax Shepard's vain "male model" in When in Rome. Though Shepard's character is obsessed with his own "shredded" physique, he can't make it translate into gainful employment or public adulation: The photos in his modeling book were all done on spec, and when he takes his shirt off in a cafe, everyone hectors him to put it back on. Despite his lack of steady employment or fulfilling relationships, Van Holt's Cougar Town
Beer Guy: As Kerry Howley pointed out in an XX Factor post from earlier this year, beer guy appeared in many of the sexist ads that ran during the Super Bowl. There are two variations on this type: original beer guy and sad beer guy. Original beer guy is a mimbo gone to seed. He's a happy couch potato, crashing a book club with his buddies from the softball league just to score some Bud Light. He is unbothered by his inability to live up to the masculine ideal—unlike sad beer guy, who is hyperaware of the fact that he is falling short. The middle-aged dudes on Men of a Certain Age—an unemployed actor, a man whose marriage fell apart because of his gambling addiction, and an unhappy car salesman—are sad beer guys. So are the miserable-looking men in the infamous Dodge Charger Super Bowl ad who appeared to be crushed by the responsibilities of their days, which didn't just include working long hours but also dealing with the demands of their wives. As a New Jersey Star-Ledger review of Men of a Certain Age says of Ray Romano's character in that show, "Joe is a man who misses his wife, cares about his kids, depends on his friends but also feels like he should be doing better with all of them, if he could only figure out how."
The Game Boy: The Apatovian stoners and the passive lads of Grandma's Boy (whom Reihan Salam termed beta males in this Slate article from 2006) are exemplary game boys. These men live in a perpetually adolescent zone, ignoring adult responsibilities unless they are forced to consider them. If they're employed, it's playing video games (Grandma's Boy) or creating a redundant Web site listing movie nude scenes (as in the Apatow flick Knocked Up). The newest entry in the game-boy posse is the star of She's Out of My League, Apatow crony Jay Baruchel. In that movie, Baruchel plays a nebbishy TSA airport screener who somehow nabs a blond, hot event-planner with a law degree. Though Baruchel may get the girl at the end of the film, as EW reviewer Owen Gleiberman writes, "He's a socially inept underachiever who works in airport security, and she's a high-end event planner who oozes poise and would never be drawn to such a gawky, shambling loser." Sounds like the writers are stuck in the same game-boy male dream-world that their characters inhabit.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Dating a Single Father: The Good, The Bad and the Excusers (part 1)
So recently, in my dating life I have started to encounter the single father/ex-husband man. I have been preparing myself for this journey for the last 3 years. I knew this day would come if the stars didn’t align and pull me from the dating pool. Atlas the stars did not align and I had to decide what I could and could not deal with on this front. I know from growing up what type of person I did not want to be.
I remember the type of men/ women my mom or dad dated and qualities I despised in them. I did not like people who acted like they were my parents on first encounters. I had parents and other family members who disciplined me so I was always well behaved when in public. I did not like for them to act like I didn’t exist just because my mom had people who would babysit and watch me. If I didn’t like you I just didn’t like you and I need you to accept it. I would never be disrespectful for fear of punishment but I didn’t want your attention either. I was an awkward child, leave me to my devises and I could entertain myself for hours.(hence why I can entertain myself for hours) So I know that all I would like to know is do you have children? If so how many (plays a big factor in if we date), Do you have primary custody or every other weekend? Do you play an active role in their life? Are you fully divorced or just separated from you wife?
So the two things that are true deal breakers for me or will cause me to friend-zone you forever is the last two questions. Do you play an active role and are you separated or divorced. I ask if you play an active role for several reasons. One I hate deadbeat fathers. Over the years I meet men who tried to play the good guy card of I am their for my kids but spent more times trying to get in another female pants.
Examples of the BAD!
One example is the ex-con so he had a child and talked about getting them every weekend. I was impressed until he said “Yea, my mom watches ________ every weekend, so I can do whatever.” I asked him so “do you work on the weekends?” His response “ Naw I chill with friends, get high, Screw Witches*, you know I live my life.” So my first thought is what is the point you are dumping your kid off on someone else! What the HELL! I quickly ended that converstation and proceeded to Keep it moving. No respect for being a father really he is a sperm donor.
Another example is “I am a good father , but I want them Nike Boots!” So this past Christmas at my 2nd job I meet this guy. He rubbed me the wrong way. He said he was trying to pay Child Support to his Baby Momma. My mangers hired him cause he was willing to work any shift. For the first two weeks he was good. He worked hard and didn’t complain. One day I asked out of curiosity, are you getting you ______ anything for Christmas? His response “No I got other things to take care of.” I respected that until after the 1st pay check of Christmas I saw him in a whole new wardrobe. I didn’t think much of it. Until I had to drive him home one night after work. He proceed to tell me he wasn’t giving his baby mama shit, his 2 year old was spoiled and knew the baby grandparents would hook her up. Than proceed to have me drop him off at his baby mama’s house so he could Get some Brain and Break her off some good D***. All I could think is you just made $XXX and not even a cute outfit for your kid. As the season progressed he had really cleaned him self up with new Nikes, New Tims, and New Clothes. Not once did he pay child support or get anything for his kid. Iknow these are rare but men like it is despise me. You worried about your social life and how you look. It is you child who suffers, but you want the title “Good Man” or “Good Father”.
The Excusers (excuse makers)
These are men that use their kids as excuses for not going out, or just for having fun. Se I guess growing up with single parents I know when you have to cancel a date with a someone because you kids are sick, or other responsibilities. I remember I had Chicken Pox once my mom had to cancel a date with a guy. I loved my mom at that moment, however said man broke up with her because of that. I disliked him greatly. But my mom made a valid excuse. However, some people don’t appreciate knowing that a person can appreciate the nuances of dating with kids. The use it against the single person instead of embracing it. This happened over text message twice with a guy I knew:
WM: Hey would you like to go to the movies sometime this weekend?
MN: _________ I have my kid this weekend so no.
WM: Ok Well what about next Tuesday they have $5 movie night.
MN: What don’t you get when I say I have my kid. Look I am trying to deal with school, raising my kid, and a divorce. I do not have time to spend with you.
WM: Oh Ok . Well have a good night.
MN: I wish you would understand just how busy and stressful I am.
That whole response was completely taken out of context. In my head he was using his kid as an excuse not to go out and have fun. The other person understood they were busy and offered a different day. But they still proceed not to listen and blast them for not understanding they were busy. Other excuse makers are no I can’t go out cause of my divorce but you can come over and watch a movie and spend the night. I know divorcee’ cost money but that to me is just cheap. I know there are better examples like when they never pay for a date, or never want to be seen in public with you. I really am starting to think its me. Next time I will write about Men that are seperareted and divorce.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Pussification of men
The pussification of Men is a rampant epidemic. I know some men will not agree, but men have become very soft (if you don't agree you may be a man that is pussifeid). Over the last three years I have seen more men decry their emotions in ways that are just very feminine. Statements such as “You hurt me…” or “ Have you ever considered my feeling…” Have been uttered out of their mouth and it makes me cringe. I mean there is a time and place to uses these statements, if you are encounter someone that cheated on you or you’re in a long term relationship. Not when you are getting to know someone or not when you are trying to date someone. These statements should not be uttered if you haven't know the person for over six months. Within six months if they have hurt your feeling than move the F*** on, but I digress, men are becoming just too sensitive, and it’s getting to the point that some of them need a feminine pad or tampon(You know who you are). Other little things like the amount of men who don’t know how to do things around the house, such as paint, unclog a drain, change the oil in a the car, or anything computer or electronic related. really at least know how to hook up an Xbox 360 or Blue-ray player its not rocket science. Secondly, another sign of the pussification of men is complaining. I am not saying that men should not complain, no on the contrary men have every right to complain but just don't sound whiny or bitchy about it. Here is an example Guy N " I can't stand how fucking lazy my team member are, they act like they can not go do Blayza, Blahzya blue. They fucking get on my nerves. " Guy N goes right back to work. Their no extra details, sometimes I listen give the courtesy " What the hell are their problems" or " Dang, How are you going to handle this?" He may elaborate but all in all the complaint only last for 5 mins. Guy C complains as such " You wouldn't believe what so and so did Blah, Blah, blah, blah, blah ( 15 mins later) so what are your thoughts on this. I have personally forgot of the complaint and realized that Guy C was bitching very close to how females bitch about stuff. I try to come up with an answer, usually just say sorry and try to get him on his way. But Guy C bitching was more feminine in tone and more drawn out. Versus Guy N which was to the point and he was just blowing off steam. Maybe it me and this is not a good example but their more. My favorite example of the pussification of men is seeing how many Men can no longer hold their alcohol as I get older I encounter this a lot. It is not as it use to be that too much alcohol and a guy may be extra horny or angry and may I say sometimes very affectionate. But know because of the pussification of men all I see is Whiners and Arguers when they are drunk. Prime example on night out with friends and this random guy begins to whine in a high pitched voice about being hungry. I looked at my other friend a female and asked is he whining like a toddler. She quielty said yes. We watched as he continued to whine about having to much to drink and being hungry. All I could do was think, order some f****** food at the bar and STFU. I mean sometimes you can't help it but really whining about drinking too much. Last time I checked no one held a gun to you head and told you to drink 8 beers, 2 hard drinks and no water nor eat no food. Also I have seen more men bitch at their woman while drunk and out in public. I mean I have seen guy catch attitudes even leave but to start screaming on woman like they are two-years old is pretty ridiculous. If you can not maintain a certain level of for lack of a better word decorum while drunk than you may not want to drink. But for men especially, its not cute when you act like the Kayne West Drunken Hot Girls in the street. I could write more about this but truth is their a lot of Bitch ni$$as running around. A lot of the blame can be put on the ladies and even these guys friends for not correcting the bitch-ass tendencies and just accepting it. With so many sensitive and unknowing men running around when you find on that not overly sensitive and has a lot of rewarding qualities, me personally I want to make him mine permentatly. As Katt Williams once refered to in a comedy show, their real Ni$$a and Bitch Ni$$a. I do not like referring to men as such but when you find a real man it is a rarity.
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